Parking-Lot Rage

I CAN UNDERSTAND ROAD RAGE…AND PARKING-LOT RAGE…NOW

Coming out of Sam’s Club yesterday morning, I found that a white van had parked about 12” from my driver’s side door. I have a 1999 Camaro, and that door is LARGE and needs considerable room to open, which is why I made sure I parked far away from all other vehicles. However, even if I’d had a 1956 Nash Rambler or my old '68 Beetle, it would have been rather difficult to get into my car.

Well, I could reach in enough to move the seat ALL THE WAY back; then I managed to reach the handle to lower the window and cranked it down. Next, I tried to squeeze through the opening in the door, but there was maybe 8” of room. “Should I wait to kill the driver of the van or try something else?” I thought. I could open the passenger’s side door, but I couldn’t figure how I could get my legs under the steering wheel and then the rest of me over the console and the gear shift.

Well, I decided to crawl through my open window, head first. I got most of me in, twisting myself about 180 degrees, propped up between the two seats, and then bent and actually pulled my ankles up enough (with my hands!) to slide my feet down under the steering wheel. Then the rest of me – ass, back, upper torso, and head --- made it into the driver’s seat.

As I pulled out of the parking space (did I mention that there were AT LEAST EIGHT EMPTY spaces on the other side of that white van?), a fellow in his late 20’s, standing in the middle of the parking lot, held up his hand and motioned me to stop. Since my window was still open, I stopped next to him and asked, “Yeah?’

“I was watching you try to get into your car,” he said with a smile.

“Yeah, so?” I asked.

“You want me to help you flatten all four tires on that sonofabitch’s van?” he asked with a bigger smile. “I got a Marine K-Bar knife in my truck,” he added, pointing to a large Dodge Ram.

“Naah. Maybe on another day. But thanks,” I told him.

By the time I was halfway up 29 toward Ruckersville, I was already regretting not taking him up on his offer…and if that sonofabitch in the white van who was at Sam’s yesterday around 10:15 is reading this, I hope the fleas of a thousand camels infest your body hair and your whole family gets herpes.

MEMORIES OF ASBURY PARK, NJ

 

MEMORIES OF ASBURY PARK

ASBURY PARK, 1953

When I was a boy in the late 1940’s and early 1950’s, I would spend half of my summers with my grandparents on their farm in Freehold, and every Friday, Grandpa and Nana would load the “woody” station wagon with produce, eggs, and chickens (and me in the back, sitting on a folded Army blanket) and we would make the weekly drive to deliver that stuff to white-, gray- and blue-haired ladies in Ocean Grove and Asbury Park who lived in rooming houses and apartments.  At the end of the day, my reward for helping Nana carry all those baskets and boxes up all those stairs in hot New Jersey summers would be a grilled cheese sandwich at the Neptune Diner or on the Asbury boardwalk and then a round of miniature golf with Nana, while Grandpa sat on a bench, smoking his pipe, before heading back to the farm in the dark, me asleep on that same Army blanket.  Later, as a teenager, I would make the drive down from Essex County and we would roam the boardwalk, hit the Penny Arcade and the shooting gallery, buy a box of salt-water taffy at Berkeley’s, and sometimes go through the Convention Hall to Ocean Grove, where there was a really good bakery, just on the other side of the Hall, that made these really great almond macaroons.  On the way back through Convention Hall, I used to love to pop a penny into those machines that looked like the scales you weighed yourself on (and got your fortune told as well), but instead had metal outlines where you put your feet; the machine would vibrate your feet and make them feel rejuvenated.  My second date with my wife of 43 years was spent at Asbury; we still have two of the rings from the old carousel.  I never got the gold ring and isn’t it ironic that when you were finally old enough and big enough to reach the rings, it was time to get off because you had become “too old to ride on a merry-go-round.” It depresses me to see what Asbury looks like today, a shell of its former self.  Madame Marie, the fortune-teller, is gone, the Palace is dead, its heart broken like the windows in Convention Hall.  Sad.

ASBURY PARK TODAY

Quote for Today

"When you argue with a fool, he is doing the same thing."

Quote for Use on a Moron

"If I want any crap out of you, I'll squeeze your head."

The Reviews Are In…

Here’s what just a few of all the readers have said about Ed Buhrer’s three novels:

LURAY

I don't like fiction, however....September 3, 2003 A Customer Ed Buhrer paints a marvelous picture of southern charm, wrapped in believabilty, and injected with colorful, eccentric characters. Luray is a "hard-to-put-down" read, this coming from a person who hasn't read a fictional book since "Franny and Zoey" while a senior in college. Buhrer has a talent for making the reader feel as thought he/she is "there." And what a great place to be: the Blue Ridge Mountain of northwest Virginia. I look forward to reading Mr. Buhrer's next book.

Mystery, Mountains, and Mojo! July 27, 2003 North Carolinian LURAY by Ed Buhrer is a heart-warming, fast-moving story of Tom Finn's first experiences with a teaching job, love, and missing persons. Tom relishes his new life in Luray, Virginia, especially the beauty of the mountains and the people he meets. Sandi, Tom's love interest, is a complicated character who slowly reveals herself (in more ways than one!). I enjoyed getting to know all the characters in Luray, whether they were funny, sweet, or strange. The romance between Tom and Sandi is a pleasure to read and the mystery of what's happening at Mountain Valley High School increases the excitement. If you are into well-written characters, mysteries, mountains, or pepperoni and garlic pizza, this is a great read.

A Refreshingly Alive Novel! March 16, 2005 By Robert the Calm (California) I read Ed's second novel, Blue Ridge High, first, not having heard of him or this one before I heard a co-worker talking about the second one. Anyway, I read the second one and then this one, since I figured I ought to read both. I'm glad I was at the coffee urn when Beth was talking about this guy. This novel (and the sequel) is refreshingly real. Everything is real--the characters, what they say, how they live, and most of all, how the author himself writes. Finding out that Ed Buhrer is a teacher made me wish I'd had him when I was in school. I'm sure he must teach as well as he writes, and he probably inspires a great deal in his students. Anyway, Luray was great and I hope he has more in him that these two novels because he has one more fan and I'm waiting for more!

Great Read! Realistic and Riveting!
Kip
New York State (1/7/2004)

Got this book by mistake, instead of one about the Luray Caverns, but I started flipping through the first few pages and whoops, I was hooked. I have a better appreciation for what new teachers have to deal with, but I really liked the love story, the very real way the author has people talking, all the detail, and I kept getting hungry. If I didn't know Ed Buhrer was a teacher from the stuff on the back cover, I would have suspected he was a chef! Great book, and I'm glad my sister can't follow directions and got me the wrong book for Christmas!

What a Christmas Present!
Trish
Pennsylvania (12/29/2003)

Wow! A former student of this author bought me a copy of LURAY for Christmas. What a treat! I started reading it on December 26th and couldn't put it down. Read it in three hours or so, with only one bathroom break and time out for lunch. Great dialogue, delightful love story, nice subplots, and believeable characters. Loved the detail in the description, all the food, and the idea of calling a mountain "Mom!" As I said, what a treat! I want more from Ed Buhrer!

What a Find!
Ina
Colorado (11/7/2003)

THE STORY KEPT ME SO CAPTIVATED THAT I COULDN'T PUT THIS BOOK DOWN! I CALLED OUT FOR PIZZA INSTEAD OF FIXING THE FAMILY DINNER ONE NIGHT TO FINISH IT. I HOPE MORE IS COMING FROM THIS AUTHOR! I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND ANYTHING ELSE BY HIM, BUT I HOPE HE'S WRITING SOMETHING ELSE. CHARACTERS WERE REAL, THE DIALOGUE WAS AUTHENTIC, DESCRIPTION SUPER, AND I LOVED THE LOVE STORY. GREAT NOVEL!

Best Book in Three Years!
Ted
Connecticut (10/19/2003)

Best book I've read in three years, since Cold Mountain. Although not the epic that that one was, LURAY kept me turning page after page. I would keep getting to within a couple pages of the end of a chapter and figure on stopping there, but then the end of that chapter would make me want to start the next. The next thing I knew I was finished with it! This author has a great flair for realistic dialogue, great descriptions (without going overboard), characters you want to know, and he makes you want to fall in love all over again. I hope more of this author's books are out there because my wife and I are waiting for them. I was only disappointed once: when the book ended! We're glad friends told us about this novel. You will be, too.

FAST READ, DIDN'T WANT IT TO END
Richard
Chicago (10/4/2003)

Okay, when's the sequel coming? You can't just stop with Tom and Sandi there. If anybody reads these reviews, if your looking for a great read--fast, vivid, illuminating, a real page-turner--then here's your book. I felt like I was there in Luray, with Tom (and all the rest) ALL THE TIME! And if that Wild Bill character is based on a real guy, I've got to meet him. Ed Buhrer writes about people: they are real, their speech is real, and you actually care about them. This author says it all the way it ought to be said. Great book and I want the sequel fast!

A must read
Mary Beth
Virginia, USA (9/24/2003)

Luray is captivating, enjoyable, hilarious, honest, and heart-warming. I was stuck between wanting to read it in one sitting and not wanting it to end. The characters were easy to love (especially Tom). It’s the mark of a great novel when the reader feels like she is a part of the story line and she becomes emotionally involved. The technique he used to depict the way people from Luray speak was brilliant; the country dialect really completed Becky’s character. His portrayal of the Blue Ridge was so descriptive that I could picture the great mountains rising against the amber sky as Tom spent most of his evenings enjoying the last remnants of the day on his back porch. I can honestly say that I enjoyed every word of this novel.

What a Return!
Catherine
Ohio (8/21/2003)

Hi. I lived in Luray for almost a year when I worked at a local radio station, so when I was searching your site for a new book to read in the "romance" section, the name "LURAY" leaped out at me. I am very glad it did. Although it's less about Luray (the town) than I had hoped, the multiple plots and themes more than made up for that. I found the love story believable for a change, got a look into what the life of a young teacher is, and like some of the other readers, got hungry and smiled a lot. Although I found myself crying in two or three places. The author has a unique style in that his characters actually "sound" like people talking and what people actually say! His description is very, very good--excellent would be a better word--and I recognized parts of Luray and Page County; found myself saying "I know where that is!" or "I've been there!" Hope Ed has more novels in him. Next time on PA's site, I will be looking for "Ed Buhrer" instead of "romance." I have already bought two copies of this for family. Loved it!

A few words about LURAY
Rich
Jersey (8/19/2003)

I'm a man of few words. Wife and I read the novel. She knows the author, I don't. Great book. What else is there to say? Read the novel and you'll have your own words to say about it. Best thing I've read in four or five years. Okay, that's it.

I LOVED IT, SO WILL YOU!!
Erin
New York (8/19/2003)

I could NOT put the novel down. The characters are charming (except for the ones you hate or pity, maybe), the descriptive detail is just right, not overly wordy but very vivid, the plots all come together in the end and there are a few delightful surprises, at least for me. As the novel opens and closes, you get the choice of visiting or staying in LURAY (both the novel and the town) and I wanted to stay, just like Tom, the narrator. So will you. If you like a believable and sensually warm love story, an insight into teaching, and some intrigue, read this novel. I'm going to get my own copy; if I can't stay in LURAY, I'm damn sure going back to re-visit it some time in the future! Great book, Ed!

BLUE RIDGE HIGH (sequel to LURAY)

Laughs, Love, Passion and Pasta!
Mike
Virginia (4/7/2005)

This is absolutely a novel for a lot of readers. The food is appetizing, the plots are tantalizing, and the love and sex is sizzling. The best part is how real is all is, from the characters to their speech to the way the author makes you a part of the setting and the action. Do I sound like I liked the novel? You betcha! Hope Ed has more in store.

Hadda Buy It!
Mike
Pennsylvania (3/4/2005)

A friend of mine loaned me LURAY. I read it in three hours because I couldn't put it down, so when this one came out and the same buddy told me about it, I bought my own copy. I couldn't put this one down, either, until I found myself on the last page. I don't know which novel I liked better. I guess I liked them both equally (actually, "liked" is an understatement)since they're really one long story with the same great characters, detailed description, and humor, although I laughed a lot harder with this one and those outrageous school tales. I could read anything by Ed Buhrer and I surely hope he has more coming. How he manages to do a novel and still teach English (of all things!) amazes me. I bet his students know how to write, too. Gimme more, Ed!

High on BLUE RIDGE HIGH
Kristen
Charleston, SC (2/22/2005)

A friend told me about this author so I took a chance on the book, since the price was a bit steep, but my friend was so ecstatic about the novel and the author's first book that I said "What the heck" and bought it. I wasn't disappointed, although I wish the novel was three times as long, not because it should have been but because I didn't want it to end, at least the parts about Sandi and Ronnie. The way Ed Buhrer writes made me feel I was IN the book! I hope more is coming from him.

Oh, Yeah!
Beth
California (2/17/2005)

Sigh! Where can I find a guy like Tom? I know, I can go back and read this again, right after this author's first book arrives and I read that first! This book was listed under "romance" but it's got a lot more than that to it. I had to put the book down a couple times because I was laughing so hard at the school stories (especially the one about the boys' lavatory smokers), I've already made Pasta Amatriciana, and I often thought that I was in the actual story. The romances (even Ronnie and Mark's) made me remember what it was like to have been that young and that much in love. The detail in the description was fantastic. If I never get to Virginia, I will still know what it's like there in the spring. This is a novel for everyone. Thanks, Ed. Hope they make a movie out of this! If they don't, I've got it filmed in my head already.

THE COVER WAS RIGHT!
Greg
Scranton, PA (2/14/2005)

If you read the back cover, it says that you won't be sorry you read this book. You won't be sorry! This novel has it all: realism, interest, great detailed description, even some food to make you hungry. My wife already made that marinara sauce and cut up the garlic that way! The plot twists had me hanging (my wife says all this goes for her, too). I loved the "dictionary" definitions on the first page. Three cheers and an extra-large pizza for Ed Buhrer.

I know Ed's characters!!
RayJo
New Hampshire (2/10/2005)

Ed Burhrer does a great job of capturing the everyday conversations that take place in today's high schools. As I read my way through this wonderful novel, the dialogue he created for his characters had me laughing out loud. By the end of the book, I felt as if his characters were my best friends. Ed has created another great book. Great job!!

Happy...Happy? Yes!
Catherine
Ohio (2/3/2005)

I am SO happy that Ed Buhrer decided to write a sequel to LURAY. I loved the first one and I think I loved this one even more. It's really hard to tell. This one had me sighing and smiling about Tom and Sandi's growing relationship and then the bullets come whizzing in. Oops, better not give too much away or people will be mad at me! Great read that (again) I couldn't put down. Great character development, great food (again), surprising plot angles, and REAL people in a beautifully described place. He took me back to spring in the Blue Ridge in that one chapter. I loved it, absolutely loved it! As I think I said in my review of LURAY, I hope more is coming. Thanks, Ed. And I love your Camaro! If you're ever in Ohio....sigh!

WHAT--AGAIN?!
ARNIE
OREGON (2/3/2005)

I'M GLAD I KEPT CHECKING TO SEE IF ED BUHRER WAS GOING TO PUT OUT ANY MORE NOVELS. AND WHAT A TREAT THAT THE NEXT ONE IS A SEQUEL. I CAN'T SAY IF I LIKED ONE MORE THAN THE OTHER. LIKE ONE BIG STORY, MAYBE. ACTUALLY, I LOVED BOTH OF THEM. MORE GREAT CHARACTERS, MORE UNEXPECTED PLOT TWISTS, MORE GREAT FOOD AND SUPER VIVID DESCRIPTION (AGAIN!) KEEP THEM COMING, ED, AND I'LL KEEP READING THEM. THANKS.

Another One to Enjoy!
Ted and Jana
Connecticut (1/25/2005)

Keep them coming, Ed! The same friends who told us about LURAY tipped us off to the release of BLUE RIDGE HIGH and we (wife and I)were not disappointed in the sequel. Great new stories, funny as hell classroom stuff, good subplots, and MORE FOOD! Loved everything. Jana says "Keep writing!' and so do I!

FOR GLORIA, WHEREVER YOU ARE

A Slice of Life, A Slice of Time
Steven Maine (8/8/2007)

Friend of mine bought me this novel because he had the author years ago as his "best" teacher. Even though it was thick, I figured it was just "a book by a teacher." WRONG! This is a novel by someone who understands the angst of growing up, the pain of falling in love when you don't know anything about it, the pain of having parents who don't understand any of it and have forgotten if and when they were ever teenagers themselves. It also captures the time period (late 50's) and has ALOT of humor in it. I found myself laughing out loud frequently. I also found tears in my eyes but not from laughing. This is a GREAT novel and it ought to be a film. I have already ordered Ed Buhrer's first two novels. Bravo!

What a Great Title!!!
Gloria, of course
Colorado (10/27/2006)

And the novel was even greater. I had to buy this because (1) my name is GLORIA, and (2) the description caught my interest. Great read, lots of humor mixed with a lot of poignant moments. Reminded too much (at times) of my own lost love from high school. Hope he finds this novel and reads it, too, although our separation was caused by factors not as bittersweet as Eddie and Gloria's. I hope the real "Gloria" gets her hands on this. Great story. I have already ordered the author's other two novels.

Great Read!
Ernie
North Carolina (7/20/2006)

Got a tip from a co-worker about this author and his latest novel. Great story with real people who sound and act like real people. I had to loan it to my dad, who graduated in 1962, right about the time this book takes place. He said it brought back great memories, even though he's never been in New Jersey. Well, I was never in the early Sixties, either, but after reading this, I feel like I have been. I wonder if GLORIA will ever read this because I don't think there's too much "fiction" in this. Hope she does. Anyway, my dad also said he wants to read more books by Ed Burher. I do, too.

A TIMELESS PIECE ABOUT LOVE AND GROWING UP

Mary, 'I am, therefore I think.', 12/22/2006

A friend bought me this because he had the author for a teacher. After I had it sitting on my end table for about three months, I finally picked it up, wondering 'A teacher? How good could it be?' Well folks, this is a great book, alive with all the stuff that we all went through in high school and more. I didn't like the ending, but only because it WAS the ending. Even though it's close to 500 pages long, it read fast and I didn't want it to end there. I hope there's a sequel.

Great Read, Greater Memories

Beth, a very critical reader, 09/11/2006

Well, I've read all of them now, Ed, and they just keep getting better and better (although if I had to pick my favorite, it would be very hard). Like the others, real people in real situations, all speaking real words. I found myself alternating between laughing out loud and wiping my eyes. The ending was so damn bittersweet. Like she said, 'teenage hearts are meant to be broken.' Brought back a lot of memories for me, even though the author and I are a good two decades apart in terms of growing up. Keep 'em coming, please!

Take Me Back, Please!

Billy, hoping this becomes a film., 08/10/2006

If you have ever been in love, especially in those heady, lost, and confusing days of adolescence, then this novel will keep you reading and wishing you could go back, even with all the heartbreak that love that young includes. This really reminded me of A SEPARATE PEACE, with the flashback format and the love story, even if the Gene-Finny thing was more of a friendship story. I had to wonder if the girl's real name was Gloria, and if she's still out there, whether she will find a copy of this in her hands someday. Anyway, it made me remember a girl in my own life back in high school and caused me to wonder what life would have been like if I hadn't let her go. Thanks, Ed Buhrer.

Need help with writing or language usage?

Need help editing, revising, checking for correct grammar and punctuation? With five published novels and 35 years of teaching high-school and college English and composition, I can help. I can also supply you with practice exercises in all aspects of language usage. You answer, I correct -- kind of like the teacher I once was until three years ago. I charge a modest $30 an hour and I work fast, not like your lawyer…or plumber…or electrician. 

Contact at ebuhrer@verizon.net or (540) 967-2273 before 6 PM.

Ed’s books – available somewhere…

QUOTE FOR TODAY

"Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can." - Twain