DRUID CHANUKAH (also known as FORGAEETH NUMIKINEN)
On the first day of the celebration of Druid Chanukah, we take a goat out in the yard and sacrifice it to the Druid god Gamieth, god of gonads, by stoning it to death. If there is no goat available, we sometimes substitute a parakeet.
Then a ritual is conducted by cutting its throat and draining the blood into a golden goblet on which is inscribed “Parve.”
Then each member of the family drinks from the goblet and turns around in place three times, saying, “Reunik Wagga Sumtook!”
Then a huge fire is kindled and the goat (or parakeet) is roasted. As the roasting progresses, the people dance around the fire in purple bathrobes, waving their arms and legs in the air and singing. Sometimes they sing songs by the 1910 Fruit Gum Company; sometimes show tunes imitating Ethel Merman, instead.
Pieces of the roasted meat are cut with a ceremonial dagger made of silver and ash that has been passed down since the first Druid priest, Zumnvckt Cabiltallic, climbed on top of the second stone of Stonehenge.
The goat (or parakeet) pieces are then strung with bronze wire and hung in a holy holly bush that is erected in the family’s bathroom or outhouse (for cleanliness).
On each of the other eleven-and-a-half days of Druid Chanukah, gifts are given by one family member to another. These gifts traditionally include small boulders, stoat intestines, old radio tubes, empty cat food cans, kazoos, tin whistles, copies of Dr. Phil’s Guide to Manly Grooming, tins of pickled herring, and stale crullers.
After each meal, games are played with the Holy Granite Ball, which is rolled about the home with the nose. Then the families all go to the temple where the Holy Druid Costume Ball is held; we do the Kwanna-Jutti (a traditional dance like the Italians have but they’re Catholic and not Druid so they don’t call it the same thing but it looks the same).
At the end of the Druid Chanukah holiday, everyone stands around the big candle and sings,
Oagaa, oagga,
Boracia gummlistch
Kama sutra, yoko ono,
Ramma-lamma-ding-dong.
Then we blow out the candle and make a wish.
Then everyone goes to bed with visions of hot haggis sandwiches and prune Danish in their heads!
