Ed Makes a Splash at the White House

Buhrer Washes Camaro In White House Driveway

June 31, 2010

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the hot summer weather Monday, almost-semi-famous, six-time published author Ed Buhrer drove up from rural central Virginia and parked his 1999 metallic pewter Camaro in the White House driveway, removed his matching Mickey Mouse watch and shirt, and spent a leisurely afternoon washing the muscle car and drinking beer.

"This baby needs a little wet loving," said Buhrer, addressing a White House tour group (who seemed more interested in the car-washing than the tour of the executive mansion) as he slopped soapy water over the car, oblivious of how wet his cargo shorts were getting. "Gotta get her looking good so I can impress the chicks when I'm cruising down Route 22 back in the bustling metropolis of rural Louisa, Virginia."

White House personnel said that Buhrer had pulled into the driveway shortly before noon, the chorus of Eagles’ “The Greeks Don’t Want No Freaks” pumping from his car's stereo. According to witnesses, Buhrer spent several minutes maneuvering the Camaro into the perfect spot in the shade under a spreading chestnut tree, and was observed drumming his fingers on the steering wheel until the song came to a close.

The shirtless 66-year-old then entered a side door to the executive residence and greeted employees with a round of high fives and a variety of nicknames.

"Hey, hot stuff, looking good," Buhrer told a passing aide. "Would you know where I could get a little bucket-and-sponge action? My mean machine needs to be cleaned."

After acquiring the necessary washing materials, the bare-chested former English and writing teacher, originally from New Jersey (of course), returned to the driveway, where he spent several moments staring in apparent awe at the Bugs Bunny emblem on the side of his car.

Buhrer, who purchased the spiffy Camaro new in 1999 – after saving dimes in a Log Cabin syrup jar for twenty years - has made an annual tradition of taking time each year to wash and tune-up his vehicle in some well-known spot. In 2008 alone, the veteran teacher and full-contact yodeler reportedly ignored his wife’s nagging about household chores for a week in order to spend some quality time "taking care of [his] baby, The Streak" and washed it in the parking lot at Natural Bridge, VA. The year before, it was the turn of the four presidents to look down upon the car-washing from their vantage point on Mt. Rushmore. Next year, Buhrer plans to do the washing and waxing in the parking lot of Rutt's Hut in Clifton, New Jersey.

"He does this every year and it really seems to rejuvenate him," Chip Morris, one of many younger teachers that Buhrer has mentored over the years, said. "Back in 2006, the car was up on blocks in the high-school parking lot, and he was so busy rotating those tires that he forgot he had a fifth-period Advanced Composition class."

"What're you gonna do, though?" Todd Ryan, guidance director and another younger staff member, added. "That car rocks."

As Buhrer gently applied a sponge to the hood and moved it in small circular motions across the car's contours, a number of White House interns walked by and caught the former teacher's attention.

"She's a real beaut, ain't she?" said Buhrer, popping open a green glass bottle of Rolling Rock and tilting back his head to take a long drink. "The reason GM was in the shitter is because they discontinued this car. Now they’ve done the same thing to Pontiac. Now the morons are bringing the Camaro back. Why didn’t they ask me? The White House needs to send a SWAT team of proctologists up to Detroit to help those bigshots at GM find their heads!”

"Oops, looks like I got a little brew on me," added Buhrer, referring to his thatch of graying chest hairs. "Any of you girls care to join me for another tallboy?"

Buhrer then spent the next 15 minutes answering questions about the features on his 5-speed Camaro.

"They don't make kick-ass rides like this anymore, sweetheart," said Buhrer, shaking his head in exaggerated disappointment. "And check out these rims. They're a real bitch to clean, but they're totally worth it."

"Back in the day we used to call 'em babe magnets," Buhrer continued. "One babe caught a glimpse of those rims after the Springsteen concert in Richmond in '05 and she couldn't get into that passenger seat fast enough. If this was forty years ago, she would've been in the back seat! If any of you girls wanna take a ride, just let ol' Eddie know."

For the remainder of the day, Buhrer occupied himself with hosing off his car, giving the side doors an extra coat of wax, and throwing out a variety of items from beneath its front seats, including an outdated Tennessee road map, a photo of George W. Bush with numerous dart holes in it, an issue of MAD magazine from 2001, and an ungraded student essay from 2003, across the top of which he had written "Don't Procreate, please! (Look it up, moron!)"

According to White House officials, Buhrer was still hanging out in the driveway long after dusk, revving the engine at passersby and explaining the intricacies of a modern V-6 motor to anyone within earshot.

As of press time, Buhrer had convinced several of the White House’s Marine guards to let him show them around Louisa County, Virginia and sample his world-famous pizza. A White House spokesperson who requested anonymity while discussing pizza said that the President had already requested the recipe (keeping the request from any of his Chicago-based deep-dish-loving constituents).